for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
