Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
