The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All I want is dick and wine.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
