Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
