my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So. Much. Porn.
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