Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
