Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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