my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
