Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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