i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I want a musical about memes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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