maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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