so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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