i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
