I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
