No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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