Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
