He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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