Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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