Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
