We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
