Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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