I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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