Barsexuality is the new black.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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