Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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