shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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