Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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