Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
