There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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