I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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