Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
