It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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