Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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