I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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