So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
