U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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