Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
