So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
