We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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