He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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