I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
