I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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