I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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