i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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