my phone needs a breathalizer
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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