can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It was confusing and full of hummus
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize