Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
