Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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