Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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