you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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