I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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