So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
