I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
