i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
