kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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