haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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