my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
