I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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