Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
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