We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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