You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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