Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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