Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
